Stranglehold of Memories
by VeneficaMelody
Summary: Usagi is depressed after realizing that Mamoru longs for Serenity, seeing her as only a vessel for his lover's lost soul.


-1The scent of freshly-grilled fish met Usagi's nose, and she wiggled it slightly as she picked up the aromas of miso soup and warm bread. Mamoru had cooked breakfast again. Stretching lithely, Usagi yawned with a little cat-like noise, and cracked her eyes open to stare at the white ceiling.

Sometimes it felt as if it were too good to be true, in Mamoru's arms every night. Most times he would cook for her; it was something that he enjoyed doing, and Usagi wasn't about to complain. He was sweet, always took time to give her a hug, and bought her anything that she desired. He refused to allow her to pay for any meal's they might take out, and seemed to pride himself on being able to chauffeur her to most places she needed to go when he wasn't busy himself. He never complained once that her moving in had doubled the rent, and never did he ask that she fork over some money to pay for her living arrangements.

On the outside, they had the perfect relationship. Probably to Mamoru, too, Usagi mused, it was idyll. But she had caught fleeting glimpses of emotions better left unsaid in her lover's azure eyes. Emotions that screamed for Serenity, the woman Usagi had been centuries ago. A woman that she could never be again, no matter how much Mamoru might long for her.

Usagi knew that Mamoru had retained more memories of his life as Endymion than she did herself as Serenity, but she had only recently noticed that he considered her to _be_ Serenity. Taking a deep breath and pushing back the tears at the thoughts, Usagi wondered again: how was she supposed to live loving this man, when she was only a replacement for the one he truly wanted?

Hearing Mamoru humming in the kitchen, Usagi pushed herself out of the bed and slipped on her bunny slippers. She would have to face the day eventually, so might as well get it over with. Running a hand through her tangled hair, Usagi padded toward the kitchen in all her peasant glory. She refused to give Mamoru any glimpses of the woman that he longed for wordlessly. If he wanted to wait forever, hoping for Serenity to take her place, then he could suffer the worst that Usagi had to offer.

"I am not crafted to be second-rate to your memories of a woman who is gone," Usagi whispered to bolster herself as she entered the kitchen.

Standing in the doorway for a few moments, she studied Mamoru's lean back. Usagi knew his form like the back of her hand, but it always took her breath away to see him again. Dressed in a lightweight T-shirt and shorts to combat the summer heat, Mamoru was methodically chopping leeks, a pot of water boiling on the stove. Every so often, he took handfuls of the chopped cabbage that sat on the counter nearby, chewing it with a thoughtful look.

"Morning," Usagi said softly as she took her seat at the table. Turning from the counter, the light glinting off the blade of the chef's knife in his hand, Mamoru smiled distractedly at the woman.

"Did you sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you."

As she helped herself to breakfast, Usagi mused that their conversation was very formal, much like to be found in the drawing rooms of years past. Mamoru hoping to draw Serenity's spirit out, perhaps?

"What's the soup for?" she queried, noticing the familiar ingredients that went into the tasty Irish soup that Mamoru had made before.

Adding the onions to the boiling pot, Mamoru spoke over his shoulder. "I'm going to take it in to the office today. I think some of the nurses could use a treat; they've been complaining that the cafeteria food is awful."

"I see." Silently tucking into her breakfast, Usagi reminded herself that Mamoru was usually doing things for others, whether he was asked to or not. He would be a perfect man, she knew, if only he could see her as she truly was, instead of the replacement for a long-gone love.

"There's a bag by the door," Mamoru said unexpectedly. "I picked up a dress for you to wear at the party tonight."

Looking up, Usagi frowned in confusion. "Party?" Had she forgotten something important?

Her hand stilled over her place, chopsticks frozen in place as she waited for his answer. "Don't you remember, dear? The doctor from America, Dowd, is arriving, and will be honored by all of the staff."

"Oh, yes. Forgive me; I had forgotten. With all of the things going on lately…" her voice trailed off as Mamoru turned to her.

Turning the fire down so that the soup would simmer, he moved closer and traced Usagi's cheek with a finger. "You've always handled pressure quite well, my princess. I can't think that you'll bow beneath it now."

"Of course not," she breathed, momentarily jolted by his touch. Why was it always so hard in the mornings, freshly reminded of his unspoken longings for Serenity?

As her lover moved back toward the stove, Usagi lowered her head and returned to her breakfast. She could not speak out against Mamoru, because he had never treated her badly. He had never spoken a harsh word to her, and yet the pain of knowing that she wasn't the woman he truly longed for ate into Usagi's spirit.

&&&&

After Mamoru had left for the hospital with his homemade soup, Usagi's curiosity drew her to the bag near the door. What sort of dress had Mamoru chosen? Expecting a beautiful creation of silk, perhaps some lace, in some pastel color, Usagi was shocked by what she withdrew. Dropping the lavender bag with its fancy script, Usagi stumbled backward, the dress falling from numb fingers.

"No!" she cried, pressing her palms against her suddenly flaming cheeks. How could he?

The dress before her was a perfect replica of that she had worn for important functions as Princess Serenity. Taking in a quavering breath, Usagi squeezed her eyes shut. Why was Mamoru so insistent on her acting like Serenity?

Full of rage and feeling a building pressure behind her eyes, Usagi fled from the apartment, leaving the door wide open. The only thing on her mind was freedom. As she found herself leaving the city limits, carefully navigating Mamoru's car, she kept one hand on the link to her sanity: the Ginzuishou. She would transform into Sailor Moon in some out of the way area and work off her frustrations. Maybe there would be some sort of answer forthcoming.

&&&&

After a long day of surgeries, Mamoru was relieved to finally be mounting the steps toward his apartment. Thoughts of a cold drink of water and a bit of nourishment were all that was on his mind until he saw the open door. Not just ajar, but gaping open.

Hesitating a split second, Mamoru hurried forward, his instincts kicking in. Had something happened to Serenity? _She's Usagi now!_ he berated himself mentally as he scanned the room for signs of disturbance. Conjuring up a steel-tipped rose as a weapon, he held it lightly between his fingertips.

There was the expensive dress he had purchased, lying in a heap on the floor. The bag was on its side next to it, and he prodded it cautiously to see that the pendant was still safely on the bottom of the bag in its packaging. Methodically checking the other rooms, Mamoru came to the conclusion that the only disturbance was in the main room, and only around the dress.

He knew that it wasn't Usagi's style to run off without locking the door, or at least leaving a note where she could be reached. Unconsciously dropping the rose into a vase that was half-filled with water and wildflowers, he reached for the phone. Her cell phone was out of range. Where could she possibly be? Most areas around Tokyo had perfect signal, and the only ones that didn't weren't places that Usagi would stray on her own.

Frowning, he quickly went through the roster of her friend's numbers, even her mother's. Upon finding that no one had seen Usagi, Mamoru truly began to get worried. Where was she?

If she still had Serenity's soul, he could have easily have linked with her and found out her whereabouts in a matter of seconds. But since Usagi had never been receptive to the princess' soul, there were many things that weren't open in their relationship. Once again cursing the foible that made Usagi's soul an imperfect carrier for Serenity's, Mamoru stared out the window at the setting sun.

Hearing a noise behind him, he whirled, reaching for the rose he had abandoned. His aim was slightly off, and the vase tipped, spilling flowers and water onto the crumpled dress.

Cursing, he noted quickly that it was a pale-faced Usagi in the doorway as he bent to rescue the dress. "Damn! Now what are you supposed to wear tonight? This is probably ruined!" he ranted.

Lips pinching tight, Usagi looked at him steadily. "Don't you even want to know where I was?"

"You're here, that's all that matters," Mamoru said gruffly as he dabbed at the water with the handkerchief he carried constantly.

Emboldened by her trip into the wilderness, powered by the force of becoming Sailor Moon, Usagi sailed toward her lover on graceful feet. "I was in the forest, running as Sailor Moon," she said steadily. "I was searching for answers, or at least trying to relieve a bit of tension. What I found instead was freedom."

Mamoru's eyes snapped up to clash with hers and the dress dropped from his hands. He stepped forward, his foot crushing the expensive garment, his hands coming up to carefully circle her arms. "Serenity?" he murmured, his eyes shining with a feverish love. "Have you recalled yourself, my darling?"

Angered beyond belief, her worst fears truly realized, Usagi moved backwards, wrenching herself from Mamoru's grip. "Serenity is gone!" she shouted. "Why can't you understand that? I will never be her! Must I always be a second-rate replacement for the one you love?"

The mask of indifference slammed across Mamoru's eyes again, and Usagi regretted the loss of that shining love. "I'm sorry, Usagi, I momentarily forgot myself." He paused, and then looked down ruefully at the dress. "I presume we can find something suitable in your closet for the occasion?"

"No need," she ground out. "I shan't be going."

With those words, Usagi flounced from the apartment again, ignoring Mamoru's calls. Who was he, to think that she would return as beckoned? "I am not Serenity!" she screamed out, to no one in particular, as she ran down the street.


End file.
